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I am So Mean :'( August 27, 2008

Posted by Giselle in Relationships.
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I did a very bad thing today. Why am I like this? Why can I not understand my husband? Why am I being such a pain in the ass!!!! :/

Jason loves me so much and this is what I do to him! I feel so terrible!!! 😥

… 😦 He took his frustration out at me when he came back from a hard day of work and I got all huffed up and insulted at his mentioning that my work looked like a game to him and I walked off to bed. I didn’t give him dinner and neither did I prepare anything for breakfast!!! I actually intentionally hurt the love of my life!!!! I don’t think even God would forgive me!!! 😥 I feel like crying.. Why do I behave this way sometimes?

He takes care of me and caters to my every need and wish.. He loves me with the whole of his heart and would never cheat on me. He loves the food I make for him and he likes spending time with me. Yet, what do I do… I hurt him, Again and again! :/

Fine!I don’t have a job. But that is not his fault! He is also trying to get me a job somehow.. and then WHY did I have to treat him the way I just did! I don’t think there is anything I could do to compensate for what I did :/ But what is it about the computer and the internet that is SO tempting to him and cant be put away for his girl, I cannot imagine! 😦 I feel so lonely when he sits in front of the computer..because the moment that happens, he completely looses every other sense of whats happening around him.. 😦

I did not even hug him yesterday night.. and neither did I give him any kisses when he went to office today.. and I made him go to bed hungry and go to office hungry today morning… :/

It is all my fault… :/ and I am not able to make up with him coz’ lost time can never be made up for.. 😦

….

But he too did not come to talk to me after venting out his frustration.. He could have just come near me at least.. He knows how fast I forgive him.. It really hurt me when he compared my field of work to a game..:/ and even I have not eaten anything in the past 1 day…

… Whats the use…? I was completely wrong and there is nothing I can do to make up with him over this 😦 and he is never going to forget this either.. 😦

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Alone Forever… April 6, 2008

Posted by Giselle in Relationships.
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Today I feel cheated. I feel betrayed.

Something that I had thought would not happen, happened. Someone I thought would be with me through thick and thin, whether we be having a fight/argument or not, left me stranded..left me just hanging there with my tumult of emotions, tears running down my cheek..making me feel unloved, unwanted.

Am I such a bad person that Im not required in anybody’ life..? Am I so much an extra addition in everyone’ life…? The sorrow just doesnt dim. The tears just dont stop.. cz’ the two people who did these things are so damn very important to me…             😥

……

Does it not hurt you when you are not treated the way you treat others..? Does it not make you feel miserable when you are treated like shit and just turned to when someone requires something…? Do you not feel unwanted when the people most close to you, dont feel the same way about you..?

It does hurt me. I do feel miserable. And I do feel very unwanted. 😦

 

It makes me realize that in the end, it is only your parents and your siblings you can depend upon.. cz’ they are the only ones who would keep aside a fight for you. They are the only ones who would tell you when there’ something wrong. They are the only ones who will leave everything to rush to your side when you need them. They are the only ones who will take your side forever and never humiliate you i nfront of others. They are the only ones who will love you unconditionally, ferociously, passionately! …

I once thought that it is a husband and wife who would and should stick together no matter what. But now, I have learnt otherwise. From personal experience.

The life of a single girl.. March 26, 2008

Posted by Giselle in Réflexions diverses.
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There she sleeps.. curled up in a ball.. blissful and peaceful, there is a slight smile on her unconcious face and her hair frames her face like an angel’  halo…

No late night talks with her boyfriend to wonder about were they are heading to in their life.. or what the future holds for them.. or when they are going to marry… No discussions about why he could not call her earlier.. Why he wants to sleep so early.. Why he can’t stay up for some more time.. Why cant they meet.. Why dont they get married..!!

She wakes up and goes to the bathroom to finish her morning chores with a sweet tune on her lips.. She does not sit in bed and wait for his call.. She does not lie in bed with eyes open and wonder what went wrong and what she could do to make up to him for whatever it was that went wrong!

But when she’ all ready –  dressed and breakfast done.. she does not have anyone to accompany her shopping or to watch a movie or to just go out for lunch..Her friends are all on the phone talking to their respective boyfriends.. making plans for the day.. Where to meet.. Where to go.. On the bike or in the car? What to have for lunch… Chinese or Indian? Which movie do we watch… Comedy or Action? English or Hindi? No questions such as; Shall we meet your parents today?  What colour do you want me to wear? Do you want to taste this dish that I just cooked yesterday? Shall we hang out at Music World? …

She sits alone in her room with a book.. yearning for someone who would be by her.. who would want to spend time with her and get to know her for who she really is.. She yearns to care for a person whom she can lavish her love upon…

All her friends are ready and the faces she just saw last night as either tear-filled or crying or accusing or disappointed or angry are all beaming now with 100 watt smiles on their faces.. looking dashing and eager to meet their guy! She just does not understand how this change of feelings could come about over a single night!!! and that too.. while sleeping!!

She spends her time in the house.. roaming around ..wondering whether she should go out alone and instantly changing her mind as she is sure she will see all the couples in town at every mall, every coffee shop, every book store, every cybercafe, every music store.. at each and every hangout! And she feels down.. the tune she was humming vanishes and her shoulders droop as she resigns herself to a day of eat and sleep…

Her girlfriends return and as she flits among them she hears about their day.. their outings.. the small expressions of love.. the tiny gifts.. the words of affection..their moments of togetherness…and she feels an envy towards her friends who have boyfriends..who have something that she doesnt but what she is eager to find.. She is eager to find that one true love.. which eludes her everytime…

She wants that feeling of belongingness…that feeling of being cherished.. that feeling of being the most important person in someone’  life.. that feeling of being thought about and missed.. that feeling which brings a smile on her lips.. and a bright shine in her eyes.. she yearns to feel love..

Yet, she abides her own sweet time and goes about her own work with a lilt in her steps once again knowing that she will find her man when the time is right.. Her mind diverts to her upcoming industrial visit to places all over India and just thinking of all the fun she’ going to have with her friends brings a smile to her face and she thanks God that she need not have any care in the world and can do as she please!!! She has her freedom!!! 🙂

…..

This topic just popped into my mind cz’  I keep hearing from many of my friends about how lovely it would be if only they had a boyfriend.. Having a “boyfriend” is good and bad.. I think I have bought out both these sides to it with this lil story…

My ride.. March 24, 2008

Posted by Giselle in Poetry.
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Far away into the night I ride,

with just myself for company..

Many a stop I make,

Many a sight I see..

Many a rider I pass.

This, being my way of life..

Yet, time teases me, moving

at the pace of a snail,

though always not steady.

& I stop.

To wonder, … once again..

Where my mare will take me..

When will I reach my destination..

Lucky

PS: This didnt turn out as I thought it would… but just felt like publishing it. ..