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Not so lucky here.. August 22, 2008

Posted by Giselle in Réflexions diverses.
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It has now been a year and a half since I graduated. I did my post graduation at a really nice college and in a really interesting booming (In India, just coming up) field.

But, even now, I still have not got a job. Im still unoccupied. I have been searching high and low…have been spreading the news of my joblessness by word of mouth thinking that maybe smebody somewhere might know someone who might know of a vacancy at their workplace. But to no avail.

In this area, God has completely left me alone..with absolutely no luck..and now, no hope left.

I feel so down just thinking of it. Near and dear have begun thinking that I do not want to work..that I do not long to be a career woman..that I am not searching hard enough. It hurts me so much when I hear undertones of this kind in the way people talk to me these days.. People have begun thinking I am just not capable..that maybe I am not good enough for a job!! Do you.. or anybody out there know how really bad it hurts right in the heart when you get that feeling?!!!! It hurts Real bad… Really really bad!!!

Nobody knows how desperate I am feeling. They don’t know that I have had enough and that I have lost all my positive thoughts.. my hopes.. my dreams.. everything!!! There is only this dull yearning in my heart that I wish I could get a job.. But, I feel everyone has deserted me in this area..

It really is very upsetting. Others would not be able to understand what I am going through.. the feelings that are running in my mind. I used to be confident and positive. But now, I have lost my very sense of self-worth even! What is the use of saying, ” Don’t worry. You will get a good job..” ? It doesn’t help. These are just words. I am not going to get a job with them.

I don’t think I any longer possess the self-confidence that I once had. Maybe even now, it might emerge and all of my basic characteristics are just cowering.. But, when..? Am I always going to be a home-maker? I don’t mean that to be a demeaning job. It is good. It takes up the whole day and there is a lot to do. But mostly it is that job without which life itself doesn’t run smoothly for everyone else!!!

But that is not what I studied all these years with a lot of hard work for! That is not why I followed my dreams, drawing my own path and reaching out to get what I aimed for!!! This is just not how I thought things would turn out..

In every other area, I can say I am blessed.. that I am happy.. but my career.. my job.. my work.. that is a subject whose mention can change my mood.. can upset me.. can stop all my talking..

I feel I have become a very boring person. I feel that none would be interested in talking to me now.. coz’ they would be bored with what I would have to say.. I am married and I cook and try to make the house a home for my husband. What is there to talk so much about that?! Nothing!!! Nothing at all!!! ūüė¶

I have even lost touch with my hobbies and sit in front of the computer all day long doing this or that or rather nothing much!!! :/

I yearn for a job in my field of expertise. I yearn to earn a salary every month. I yearn to go out into the world and show everybody how able I am!

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Promises May 3, 2008

Posted by Giselle in Poetry.
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2 comments

Promises.

They are made to be broken.

I took for granted

a promise, to be

a bond forever.

But lately realized

it’s not.

I got confused.

I became agitated.

I was surprised

and I was shaken.

I cried

and I fussed.

But nothing could change

the truth.

that a promise,

no longer meant promise.

– Lucky (LHNV)

Sinking.. April 9, 2008

Posted by Giselle in Poetry.
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4 comments

Sinking into loneliness,

into the depths of sorrow,

impressions of having “The One”,

to care for me,

keep me happy,

I realize was false..

None to look upto..

Nobody to offer me comfort..

I weep into the one faithful friend I have- my pillow.

My only solace.

Music bang my ears.

Heart thudding,

Palms and feet cold as ice,

Through the heartbreak I wait.

Hoping even then

for a miracle..

for him to care enough…

Am I just anybody?

Am I not good enough for him?

He pushes my limits..

He drives me insane..

He strains my seams…

He just doesnt understand!!

what it means,

that one small yet strong word – love!!!

– Lucky

Alone Forever… April 6, 2008

Posted by Giselle in Relationships.
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3 comments

Today I feel cheated. I feel betrayed.

Something that I had thought would not happen, happened. Someone I thought would be with me through thick and thin, whether we be having a fight/argument or not, left me stranded..left me just hanging there with my tumult of emotions, tears running down my cheek..making me feel unloved, unwanted.

Am I such a bad person that Im not required in anybody’ life..? Am I so much¬†an extra addition in everyone’¬†life…? The sorrow just doesnt dim. The tears just dont stop.. cz’ the two people who did these things are so damn very important to me…¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† ūüė•

……

Does it not hurt you when you are not treated the way you treat others..? Does it not make you feel miserable when you are treated like shit and just turned to when someone requires something…? Do you not feel unwanted when the people most close to you, dont feel the same way about you..?

It does hurt me. I do feel miserable. And I do feel very unwanted. ūüė¶

 

It makes me realize that in the end, it is only your parents and your siblings you can depend upon.. cz’¬†they are the only ones who would keep aside a fight for you. They are the only ones who would tell you when there’ something wrong. They are the only ones who will leave everything to rush to your side when you need them. They are the only ones who will take your side forever and never humiliate you i nfront of others. They are the only ones who will love you unconditionally, ferociously, passionately! …

I once thought that it is a husband and wife who would and should stick together no matter what. But now, I have learnt otherwise. From personal experience.

Especially for guys!!! April 4, 2008

Posted by Giselle in Relationships.
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I don’t know why I even bother to try to help my partner learn me and get to know my likes, dislikes, wants, tastes and desires!!! cz’¬† basically, there is no use. He does not care. He has so many¬†things happening in his life and so many more things that he cares so much more about that I feel I am an extra baggage that he longed for once upon a time in his life when he had nothing else better to do… ūüė¶

Are all men like this? Are all men so selfish? Why don’t men understand that all women want is a little love…? A missed call occasionally, to show that he misses her.. surprises, to show her that he thinks about her.. late night talks, to show that he wants to be with her.. picking up her call, to show her how important she is to him.. just¬†talking to¬†her.. nothing special or nothing important or nothing worldly..just¬†to show her that he likes spending time with her.. doing things for her, to show her his affection.. complimenting her upon her looks and the dress/hairstyle/sandals she wears, to show her that he notices every little thing that she does for him…

Why? Why is it soooo hard for a man to¬†express such small things such as these? This is all it takes to make her feel like a princess.. like the most important person in his life.. like he cant live without her.. like she is all he needs to make his life complete.. like she means everything to him!!! These are such small things.. but at the same time, so meaningful…¬†

¬†But, NO! He won’t do that. He won’t do any of that. Instead, he will say “Ive apologized.” Like as though that is what she wanted to hear.. like as though that’s going to make up for what he did. An apology meant from the heart means something .. but when u say “Sorry” and then these two really male chauvinistic words, it sounds more like “Ive told you sorry. So now if you want u can accept it. I basically don’t care!”

Why would any guy say such words to try to make up with a woman?!!! If he had to say these words and believe that thats going to make everything alright, then I would say he is completely out of his mind!

I think it is only a wife who will be with her husband for the rest of his life. So, all that a man can look forward to in his old age, is his wife. She’¬† the only¬†one who will be there for him, with him.. But for that to happen, he has to make her feel loved by him when he is young! It doesn’t take much.. but it would mean a lot to her!

We are not talking about material¬†or worldly¬†stuff here..¬† Wouldn’t you also like to be shown a little love to.. Wouldn’t you like to be the most important person in your girl’¬†life? Wouldn’t you like it when she smiles at you? Wouldn’t you like her to be with you when you meet your friends? Wouldn’t you like to show her off to the world? Wouldn’t you like her to call you? Wouldn’t you like her to send you mails/sms? Wouldn’t you like it when she says “You look gorgeous, honey..” ? Wouldn’t you want to be in her mind? Wouldn’t you feel very important if she hung up on her friends just for you? Wouldn’t you feel great if she dedicated her time for you.. whether it be to do something special with you or just stay in..? Wouldn’t you just love it if she travelled all the way from where she lives just to come see you and tell you how much she loves you and misses you??!!!!¬† O yes, I know you would be happy!! … Maybe guys don’t need it to that extent…but its¬†exactly these small things that can make a girl yours forever!!!

A Lonely Life March 26, 2008

Posted by Giselle in Poetry.
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When promises unkept,

when sworn words are taken back..

As dreams are shattered,

and hope is nomore..

An unknown sorrow overcomes;

Where the sky turns dark and cloudy,

where the flowers turn dull and gloomy..

The sun no longer shines,

rather emits a cold feel..

When tears are ready to flow,

without even a notice..

When tempers are bound to erupt,

without even a warning..

When a kind of lethargy overbears,

where loneliness is company,

and silence is party…

– Lucky