tears | Giselle' Diary

I am So Mean :'( August 27, 2008

Posted by Giselle in Relationships.
Tags: blame, fault, food, forget, frustration, game, hunger, hurt, lost, Love, mean, Relationship, sad, tears, work
4 comments

I did a very bad thing today. Why am I like this? Why can I not understand my husband? Why am I being such a pain in the ass!!!!

Jason loves me so much and this is what I do to him! I feel so terrible!!! 😥

… 😦 He took his frustration out at me when he came back from a hard day of work and I got all huffed up and insulted at his mentioning that my work looked like a game to him and I walked off to bed. I didn’t give him dinner and neither did I prepare anything for breakfast!!! I actually intentionally hurt the love of my life!!!! I don’t think even God would forgive me!!! 😥 I feel like crying.. Why do I behave this way sometimes?

He takes care of me and caters to my every need and wish.. He loves me with the whole of his heart and would never cheat on me. He loves the food I make for him and he likes spending time with me. Yet, what do I do… I hurt him, Again and again!

Fine!I don’t have a job. But that is not his fault! He is also trying to get me a job somehow.. and then WHY did I have to treat him the way I just did! I don’t think there is anything I could do to compensate for what I did But what is it about the computer and the internet that is SO tempting to him and cant be put away for his girl, I cannot imagine! 😦 I feel so lonely when he sits in front of the computer..because the moment that happens, he completely looses every other sense of whats happening around him.. 😦

I did not even hug him yesterday night.. and neither did I give him any kisses when he went to office today.. and I made him go to bed hungry and go to office hungry today morning…

It is all my fault… and I am not able to make up with him coz’ lost time can never be made up for.. 😦

….

But he too did not come to talk to me after venting out his frustration.. He could have just come near me at least.. He knows how fast I forgive him.. It really hurt me when he compared my field of work to a game..:/ and even I have not eaten anything in the past 1 day…

… Whats the use…? I was completely wrong and there is nothing I can do to make up with him over this 😦 and he is never going to forget this either.. 😦

Undeserved April 30, 2008

Posted by Giselle in Poetry.
Tags: cry, deserve, feelings, life, lost, Love, moment, myself, new, people, Poem, Poetry, shine, stillness, tears, undeserved, way, wonder, wrong
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The leaves stand still

Not a single twig

out of line..

I feel no wind dancing around my face,

twirling my hair..

The clouds are looming

dark and thick

with its unspent content..

Like the tears I feel

filling behind my eyes..

Sitting lost in thoughts

wondering where I went wrong

I feel an ache in my heart

as the tears threaten

to flow any moment…

Let it go, I tell myself..

So be it, I tell myself..

But deep inside

I know I dont deserve this.

I dont deserve

to sit in a corner and cry

I dont deserve

to be shunned and looked down upon

by the ones who matter most..

I just dont deserve to be treated this way!!!

I deserve

to be cherished,

to be loved,

to be hugged and be valued..

But here I am,

in a corner..

Misunderstood!

Disliked!!

Ill-treated!!!

The threatening tears finally find a way out..

and I cry n’ cry..

For moments lost,

for love lost,

for people gone,

for those dreams of being understood gone..

I cry for becoming this what I am now

I cry for changing into something I am not..

The rains wash down my tears

and I feel cleansed

As I listen to the chirp of the birds,

and watch the flowers smiling at me

as the sun shines on me,

revealing new ways, new dreams.. and a new bloom!!!

-Lucky (LHNV)

Alone Forever… April 6, 2008

Posted by Giselle in Relationships.
Tags: experience, family, feelings, lonely, lost, miserable, sad, sorrow, suicidal, suicide, tears, unwanted, upset
3 comments

Today I feel cheated. I feel betrayed.

Something that I had thought would not happen, happened. Someone I thought would be with me through thick and thin, whether we be having a fight/argument or not, left me stranded..left me just hanging there with my tumult of emotions, tears running down my cheek..making me feel unloved, unwanted.

Am I such a bad person that Im not required in anybody’ life..? Am I so much an extra addition in everyone’ life…? The sorrow just doesnt dim. The tears just dont stop.. cz’ the two people who did these things are so damn very important to me… 😥

……

Does it not hurt you when you are not treated the way you treat others..? Does it not make you feel miserable when you are treated like shit and just turned to when someone requires something…? Do you not feel unwanted when the people most close to you, dont feel the same way about you..?

It does hurt me. I do feel miserable. And I do feel very unwanted. 😦

It makes me realize that in the end, it is only your parents and your siblings you can depend upon.. cz’ they are the only ones who would keep aside a fight for you. They are the only ones who would tell you when there’ something wrong. They are the only ones who will leave everything to rush to your side when you need them. They are the only ones who will take your side forever and never humiliate you i nfront of others. They are the only ones who will love you unconditionally, ferociously, passionately! …

I once thought that it is a husband and wife who would and should stick together no matter what. But now, I have learnt otherwise. From personal experience.